I am very excited for the opportunity to share words of Torah with you. Each week, in this spot, I look to share an idea I've found that speaks to me and that I think will resonate with you as well. This week, I share with you an excerpt from an article by Rabbi Stephen Baars entitled "The Greatest Parenting Technique That Was Never Seen On T.V." about the care we, and our families, should take to not gossip about others.
[...] By demeaning others we, by default, feel better about ourselves. A kid is going to feel a lot better about failing an exam if he can persuade himself everyone did bad, or the teacher is a sadist, or other simple claims that are common tools kids use to make themselves feel better. However, when we forbid gossip from our lips and our ears, we are left with the only way to make ourselves feel better: to do better. [...]
On the surface, gossip looks harmless. It appears as a victimless crime. [...] Instinctively, we sense that gossip is wrong. It is for this reason we devise all kinds of justifications, like, "Well, it's true!" Or, "I would say it in front of him." Or, "Everybody knows about it already." We rationalize that if the person we're talking about doesn't know, what can it hurt?
Judaism however says that gossip does hurt. Not only does it injure the person spoken about, but [...] it destroys the one who says it and even those who hear it. Gossiping is demeaning. It is an attempt to bring down the people we envy in order to make ourselves feel better. As such, every time we speak badly about another, we feel less inclined to perfect and improve ourselves. [...]
A family that engages in gossip creates a real fear that any mistake will be looked at in a disparaging light. Children develop a fear of failure, knowing that their faults will be harshly examined, illuminated and even publicized in a demeaning manner. And, on top of that, they will be discussed behind their backs, with no form of defense or recourse. Closed court and no jury!
However, once you train and accustom your home to stay far from gossip, it becomes habitual and subtly forces everyone who lives this way to engage in the only conversation left - productive and fulfilling issues. As the Chafetz Chaim said: "Before you speak against someone else, think how you would like it if someone said that same thing about you." This applies even if the information is true, and even if the one spoken about wouldn't mind. [...]
Hoping and praying for a Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Davies
Rabbi@SOICherryHill.org
